Post by Sprague Dawley on Dec 30, 2016 15:48:36 GMT 9
Illustrated Guide to Subway Touching.
Hello. Judge Gordon Gunston here. Have you ever wanted to touch someone on the subway?
I know I have.
And I do!
I have been touching people on the subway for almost two weeks now.
High Touch, Low Touch, Inadvertent Two-Handed Throat Touch, Gavaskarian Reverse-Cupped Twinkie Tweak, yes, all this and more.
So bust out those pencils and start taking notes, we'll soon have you ready to touch people on subways all over town. And maybe even off into the countryside!
Figure 1:
Warming up.
First things first: make sure you have a good sniff of your fingers. For that "before and after" sensation.
Figure 2:
The High Touch: YES.
Masterly technique here.
He "looks off" the mark as the hands make a play for a high area, hopefully in or around the nasal cavity.
Figure 3:
The High Touch: NO.
A pathetic effort from old lady O'Brady here. Stupid fucking smile and hands touching herself instead of someone else. MORAN! Plus, she's not even on the fucking subway! Legs akimbo like that, Jesus, what a mess. I wouldn't touch her touching you with yours!
Figure 4:
The Low Touch. YES.
God Damn!
You are bloody good mate.
Bloody good.
Honestly, if this is already your level of subway touching, I am frankly in awe.
Figure 5.
The Low Touch: NOT BAD.
Not bad, getting there. Nice "look off."
Unfortunately, that is a BLOKE you're touching and he does appear to be a bit dead.
Back to the drawing board.
Figure 6.
The Low Touch: BAD.
Touching little boys during the daytime is just sick.
Sick and wrong.
Figure 7:
The Gavaskarian Reverse-Cupped Twinkie Tweak: YES.
Oh yes. Master class in session.
Figure 8:
The Gavaskarian Reverse-Cupped Twinkie Tweak: NO.
Wrist correctly angled but not quite there yet.
Nice try, you stupid alcoholic chunder cyclone.
As a brief aside, I would just like to say that I do object to the
insane way that the chinamen are treated on the trains these days.
Yes, yes, they have their own carriage, I can understand that but Jesus, they can get on the train by themselves! They don't have to be pushed onto the cunt! Believe it or not, they CAN see open subway doors through those little squinty eyes of theirs!
Figure 9:
The Negligent Chloroform Brambled-Thicket Happy Set: YES.
One of my personal favourite manoeuvres. That's me in the picture by the way. On the left. Home plate, here I cum!
Figure 10.
The Negligent Chloroform Brambled-Thicket Happy Set: NO.
Chloroform? You idiot. That's Sarin DEATH GAS.
AND HE'S STILL A BLOKE.
A DEAD BLOKE.
Oh, go on, touch him then if you like. Who am I to judge?
Well, on that sour note we'll finish up for today. That pretty much covers the basics.
If you see me out and about on the subways, be sure to give me a cheery wave! Please don't call the station cops on me though!
Regards,
- Gordon Gunston.