Post by Sprague Dawley on Dec 6, 2017 19:27:33 GMT 9
Gidday fellers and Welcome to
The Driving School Gunston.
We're an affiliated & licenced school, once your cheque's cleared, you are **GUARANTEED** to have that licence mate, no fuckin' questions asked.
My name is Trevor. I'm your Instructor and Examiner. "Firm but fair", that's my policy. Oh, and just quietly, for all you lovely ladies out there trying to get a license, we could circumvent the whole "driving" and "testing" rigmarole and just park-up in the carpark behind the shed for a bit. This would greatly speed up the whole license acquiring process for you. Firm by fair, ladies, that's my policy.
Trev "Trevor" Gunston (Driving Instructor & Examiner)
SPONSOR
Pitcairns Rental Bungalows, proud sponsors of The Driving School Gunston.
Gene "Gene-o" Gunston
Gene-o's an idiot and has no association
with The Driving School Gunston.
Wayne "Wayne-o" Gunston
Wayne does stuff-all around here, a bit of painting and general miantenance once in a fuckin blue moon. Hopeless slacker. Half the time he's lurking around the dunnies down at the Redfern RSL stuffing urinal cakes into his quiff god knows why. Maybe that's why he smells like King Tut's nuts.
Have to admit, Wayne-o may be a slack poof but he did do a top job
painting the practice course. Can't wait til' the paint dries there so I
can fire up the ute and have a practice burl straight past that STPO sign.
Right then, down to brass tax.
Here is The Written Test as completed by Gene-o. He scored a B+. Must've fuckin' cheated, he7s as thick as pig-shit. Fucked if I know why he pasted his ugly mug under every fvckin' question either. Maybe he finihsed early and was bored shitless. Anyway, swot up on this test if you want a B+, you hopeless wonky-driving alkies.
The Written Test
Name: Gene-o.
Q1 What does a broken white line along the centre of the road mean. ?
Fucked if I know.
Q2 What does a continuous white line along the centre of the road signify. ?
You're going too slow?
Q3 On what occasions can you cross a continuous white line.??
When no prick is watching?
Q5 Where there is a continuous and a broken white line along the centre of the road, which one do you obey. ?
Aunty Doris. Always obey Aunty Doris.
Q6 What does two broken white lines along the centre of the road indicate. ?
Road Painter was shitfaced. Probably fuckin' Wayne.
Q7 Where would you see a broken yellow line. ?
Anywhere after some bloke has had a slash?
Fuck, this test is hard.
Q8 What road markings would accompany a " No Entry" sign. ?
Some sort of a swastika or "achtung!" emblem, I'd imagine.
I'm no expert on the war though, so dont quote me on that.
Q9 What does the white Zig-Zag line at a Zebra Crossing mean. ?
Zebra Crossing.
Q11 Where two cars are turning into the same road from opposite directions, one turning left the other right, who has priority. ?
Valiant driver?
Q12 Who has priority at a junction of equal importance.?
Valiant driver?
Q13 Who has priority at a roundabout. ?
Dougal.
Q14 When can you overtake on the left or on the inside.?
When you are in the slipstream.
Q15 What are the rules regarding Bus Lanes. ?
Not too sure, squire.
Dougal might know.
Q16 On what occasions should you give way to pedestrians.?
Who fuckin' cares, WHERE'S MY FuCKIN' PICTURE??
Q17 Where should you not overtake. ?
Sorry, I don't know anything about the Stock Exchange.
Q21 What would you do if you became dazzled. ?
Turn around and go back for more dazzling.
The Vehicle.
Q29 What lights should a car be equipped with. ?
Monster Truck halogens for maximum effectiveness of anaesthesia.
GO TREVOR, you ugly cunt, give the pricks one from me!
Q30 What is the Legal minimum thread depth of a tyre?
Fucked if I know.
Lights
Q32 What is the sequence for traffic lights. i.e. in what order do they change. ??
Not sure squire, are those the things that come on at night?
Q32A Where would you see a flashing RED light. ??
Brothel?
Mate, honestly, I don't know. I'm saving myself for Mrs Right.
Q33 What is a filter light. ?
New-fangled ciggy lighter?
Q36. lit2
You are turning right. Green circle light lit only. Is it necessary to wait for the filter light if junction clear of oncoming traffic?
I think the ute's cigarette lighter is busted.
Q37. What colour light is showing to oncoming traffic when the green circle light only is lit.?
You've lost me, chief.
Q38. lite1
You are turning right. Straight ahead Green filter light and one red light lit. Is it necessary to wait for the right filter light if junction clear of oncoming traffic?
Fuck, this test is hard.
Q39 You are approaching traffic lights and they change to amber, what action do you take.
Easy mate, floor it.
WE BURN AT AMBER.
Q42 What is the purpose of the horn on a car. ?
Revelry?
Q43 What is the hand signal to indicate to a Pointsman (cop on traffic control) that you wish to go straight ahead at a junction
Don't be fuckin' stupid, we all know that signal.
Q45 What is the legal meaning of a headlamp flash. ?
I'm a chainsaw craftsman, not a fuckin' coal miner. Stupid cunt.
Pedestrian Crossing and Zebra Crossings.
Q46 What is the difference between an Zebra and a Pelican Crossing.?
You must be taking the piss here.
Q47 What does a flashing amber light mean at a Pelican Crossing.?
I'll tell ya what it means, it means whoever made this test is on fuckin' drugs.
Q48 How would you identify a Zebra Crossing at night?
I wouldn't.
Q49 How does an island (with beacon), in the centre of a Zebra Crossing affect the crossing. ?
Makes it a bit bumpy?
Q51 Describe what a zebra crossing looks like. ?
Bit of a blur, really.
Q52 How should a pedestrian claim priority at a crossing?
Dunno, maybe piss on it?
Great job, Gene-o, you stupid cunt.
So anyway, all you Sheilas just send off your $3,995 bucks and we'll get you booked-in to suck my cock I mean, take the test.
Righto.
Trevor.
