Post by snackswithbeer on Feb 2, 2011 18:06:11 GMT 9
Howard Announces Shake-up in Australian Sport
AAP February 2 2011
Sydney. Self-appointed Sports Minister John Howard announced a shake-up in Australian sport today. Speaking to reporters at his newly-opened presidential library. the former PM said that Australia's recent poor form in international sport was largely due to the policies of the Labor government as well as having "some pinko kindergarten teacher wench" as prime minister. Howard lamented a loss of competitive feeling since the ALP took power in 2007, accusing prime minister Julia Gillard and her predecessor Kevin Rudd of girlifyfing the nation's youth with "a bunch of poofter policies that encourage some bullshit fair play wankerism" in the schoolyard. "We didn't lose The Ashes once during the Howard years," he said. "We didn't lose a single fucking game of cricket while I was at the helm. Then some poncy hairdresser of questionable batting loyalties and his communist bleeding heart side-kick take charge and we turn into a nation of preening cocksuckers. Three times now Ponting has lost The Ashes while worrying more about his appearance than the game at hand. We have to ask whether Australians want a captain that goes crying to mummy over every little bruise or broken bone, or do Australians want an actual man in charge, with the balls to fight for his country and bring the trophy home for his Prime Minister."
Howard also got stuck into Australian soccer after the side's disappointing loss to Asia's gayest team, Japan, in the Asian Cup final. "While it's not my place to question why some mothers of the more Mediterranean boys in our communities wouldn't discourage their sons from this - shall we say 'unusual' - choice of sport, I would like to think that if, and that's a rather significant if, Australia is going to field a team in this particular - and I do mean peculiar - sport, that we should do it with less an aim of going out and sucking the opposition's knobs off, and more of an aim of nuking the fucking Nips back to the stone age like we did last time we met in a competitive arena."
Howard's first move as Sports Minister was to announce the comeback of swimming superstar Ian Thorpe. "He may be 48 and a little paunchy," joked Howard, "but he's a legend in his own right and should bring back the medals that have been sorely lacking in this sissy Labor-infected era." Given Donald Bradman's lack of availability, the minister opted for "that other bloke that used not to lose, the one with the moustache, Church or something." Howard also plans to re-man Australia's AIDS-ridden powder puff soccer team starting with a backline featuring Wayne Harmes, Val Perovic and Bruce Doull. "Let's see the Jappers get a goal through those boys," Howard quipped. "Tight as a 9-year-old aboriginal boy's shiny black bumcrack, not that I'd know."
Little Johnnie Howard: Back in Business
AAP February 2 2011
Sydney. Self-appointed Sports Minister John Howard announced a shake-up in Australian sport today. Speaking to reporters at his newly-opened presidential library. the former PM said that Australia's recent poor form in international sport was largely due to the policies of the Labor government as well as having "some pinko kindergarten teacher wench" as prime minister. Howard lamented a loss of competitive feeling since the ALP took power in 2007, accusing prime minister Julia Gillard and her predecessor Kevin Rudd of girlifyfing the nation's youth with "a bunch of poofter policies that encourage some bullshit fair play wankerism" in the schoolyard. "We didn't lose The Ashes once during the Howard years," he said. "We didn't lose a single fucking game of cricket while I was at the helm. Then some poncy hairdresser of questionable batting loyalties and his communist bleeding heart side-kick take charge and we turn into a nation of preening cocksuckers. Three times now Ponting has lost The Ashes while worrying more about his appearance than the game at hand. We have to ask whether Australians want a captain that goes crying to mummy over every little bruise or broken bone, or do Australians want an actual man in charge, with the balls to fight for his country and bring the trophy home for his Prime Minister."
Howard also got stuck into Australian soccer after the side's disappointing loss to Asia's gayest team, Japan, in the Asian Cup final. "While it's not my place to question why some mothers of the more Mediterranean boys in our communities wouldn't discourage their sons from this - shall we say 'unusual' - choice of sport, I would like to think that if, and that's a rather significant if, Australia is going to field a team in this particular - and I do mean peculiar - sport, that we should do it with less an aim of going out and sucking the opposition's knobs off, and more of an aim of nuking the fucking Nips back to the stone age like we did last time we met in a competitive arena."
Howard's first move as Sports Minister was to announce the comeback of swimming superstar Ian Thorpe. "He may be 48 and a little paunchy," joked Howard, "but he's a legend in his own right and should bring back the medals that have been sorely lacking in this sissy Labor-infected era." Given Donald Bradman's lack of availability, the minister opted for "that other bloke that used not to lose, the one with the moustache, Church or something." Howard also plans to re-man Australia's AIDS-ridden powder puff soccer team starting with a backline featuring Wayne Harmes, Val Perovic and Bruce Doull. "Let's see the Jappers get a goal through those boys," Howard quipped. "Tight as a 9-year-old aboriginal boy's shiny black bumcrack, not that I'd know."
Little Johnnie Howard: Back in Business
